It will be, God-willing, your first time. All these dreams and built-up anticipation. The exhilaration, the exhaustion. Rather than thinking about this as your Olympic final to get the gold we want to share you with you some practical tips that will help you and your new bride start a new and intimate journey together.
To use a simple analogy, when you learn to ride a bike you don’t just get on it and with perfect balance, power and speed start cruising down the roughest terrain. Set the expectation bar low, just as you didn’t master riding a bicycle or driving a car in one instance, mastering sex also takes practice.
Photo by Azlan DuPree available under Creative Commons Attribution License.
If things don’t go well, it’s not a reflection of your manhood. Sex is an emotional and physical act and there are a lot of things that will come together over a lifetime of marriage that will help you perfect it. Remember, when it comes to sexual arousal, your bride needs time, not pressure. Men can get an erection and go from 0 to 60 in a few seconds and reach orgasm in a couple of minutes. For women it can take 15-25+ minutes, so allow her time and make it a mutually enjoyable experience.
We cover some of the common advice in the post “44 Things You Should Know Before The Wedding Night.” Here are some other important things to think about:
1. Take care of grooming and hygiene. Shower, shave, and be clean for your bride. , Take care of your beard, and nose hairs.Body hygiene and grooming also includes shaving armpits and groin at least once a month if not more frequently. Clip your fingernails and file them so there are no sharp edges. Brush, floss, use mouthwash and a nice cologne. Avoid spraying antiperspirants, etc. as when you kiss each other it leaves a bad after-taste.
2. Get nice boxers (no silk) dark solid colors work best, red or black. As for pajamas, cotton is best.
3. Use the bathroom to empty your bladder. Once you get an erection, you don’t want to have the urge to go to the bathroom.
4. For the first night, it may be easier to undress separately in the bathroom, rather than in front of each other. Women are by nature very shy, and this being her first time and night, help give her confidence by dimming the lights, or turning them off completely. Try a nightlight or lighting candles.
5. Give your wife a massage using either massage oil or e.g. olive oil. It’s a great way to relax the body. You can learn basic techniques by getting a book from your library or examples on YouTube.
6. Feed each other. Put a bowl of fruit, chocolate or other delicious snacks by the bed to nibble on.
7. Say kind and positive reinforcing words to give your wife confidence.
8. Use a nice cologne, but use it lightly as you don’t want it to get in the way of taste when you kiss each other.
9. You can discuss and chose the position man on top (missionary) or woman on top whatever suits the two of you.
10. Focus on foreplay and delay intercourse and ejaculation giving time for her body to relax, lubricate, warm up and enjoy the pleasure.
11. When you feel you are both ready and the suspense is too much, put on a condom. Avoid Vaseline and other petroleum or oil based products with latex based condoms. Condoms are usually already lubricated.
12. You should invoke Allah (SWT) before intercourse by saying “Bismillahi Allahumma jannibna-sh-shaytana wa jannibi-sh-shaytana ma razaktana.” Insert the Penis into the vagina. There is some navigation involved and your wife can help guide you, to let you know when you are “in”. There are three adjacent cavities that a woman has. The first one down working your way down from the belly button is the Urethra, skip that, then the Vagina, that’s what you want and the last is the Anus, which you want to avoid at all costs. Here is a diagram that hopefully illustrates it.
13. If there is bleeding, don’t panic. Let your wife lie on her back, and bringing her knees together and or lifting them, hopefully the bleeding will stop. If not, seek medical attention.
14. By setting low expectations, you will not define your performance or pleasure by orgasm, or what others are going to think of you. Remember this is your private intimate moment and other than seeking help from a professional, you should keep whatever happens as both of your secret not to be shared with family or friends.
15. It can get messy, do keep Tissues/Kleenex near the bed. Also keep small plastic bags (eg ziploc bag) to dispose of the condom in the trash. Do NOT flush condoms down the toilet, they can block them and cause more problems and embarrassment.
16. After sex, you can immediately take a shower or it might be easier for each of you to once again relieve yourself, make wudu, and bathe later.
17. Sex, like marriage or child bearing, has a lot of trial and error. Be patient, and slowly you will learn to tune in to each others bodies and get in-sync. If things don’t go well on the first pass, say you can’t get an erection or you came too soon, wait a few hours or a day and iteratively work on trying to make small changes. Sex isn’t just about penetration and performance.
18. Visit good complimentary sites like Zawaj.com and islamsexlove.wordpress.com
Here are 10 more pieces of advice continued from our previous post.
1. Forget about marrying the right person and more about becoming the right person.
2. Humor is an awesome icebreaker for tension.
3. Dress up for your spouse.
4. Listen to understand, not to counter.
5. Commit to your marriage 100%.
6. You will be attracted to many other people in your lifetime, but never let the window through which you see the other become the door with which you exit your marriage.
7. Not everything needs to be said.
8. You don’t have to divulge everything of your past and present, but never hold secrets.
9. Pray together.
10.Love and appreciate the whole package
There is no such thing as the perfect marriage, like there is no such thing as a perfect wedding. However, there are things we can do to have a happy and healthy marriage. For easy reading, we decided to break our top 40 pieces of advice up into 4 parts. Here are the first 10:
1. God, spouse, children…in that order.
2. Marriage isn’t 50/50, but divorce is.
3. Marriage has to be 100/100.
4. Avoid the 3 C’s. Never complain, criticize, and/or condemn.
5. Avoid the D word: Divorce.
6. Learn from others, but don’t compare.
7. Make your spouse look good in front of their family and friends.
8. When you get into a conflict, stop, evaluate and use wisdom. Ask yourself what the end result is that you want. You have a choice be right or be happy.
9. If there is an inkling you were at fault, apologize.
10. Forgive unconditionally.
The wedding has come and gone, and now it’s time for you and your spouse to enjoy being newlyweds. Whether you’re traveling overseas or going on a road trip, we got you covered in terms of which clothing items to pack. You are most likely going somewhere warm, so we’ll stick to tips for that specific climate. Here they are:
- Lightweight scarves – We recommend viscose or rayon fabrics.
Photo by Nafinia Putra available on Unsplash.com
- Palazzo Pants – They are very lightweight and airy, perfect for those super hot tropical days.
- Maxi Skirts/Dresses – Your go-to items for super hot weather, for obvious reasons of course. To make things even easier, look for fully lined skirts and dresses especially if you don’t want to show too much (recommended for our hijab-wearing sisters).
Photo by Suhyeon Choi available on Unsplash.com
- ‘Burkini’ or something modest to swim in – Trust us, you’ll really want to go the extra mile. Watching everyone else swim is no fun.
- Sandals/Heels/Sneakers – Bring sandals for your everyday use, but also a pair of sneakers in case you are participating in activities (kayaking, zip-lining, etc.)
Photo by Abigail Keenan available on Unsplash.com
- Lingerie/PJs – It’s your honeymoon, bring a different set for every night. Also, bring your comfy PJs.
We thought it would be beneficial to write these out in a list-format. One thing we recommend not bringing along are jeans. Jeans in tropical heat is not a good idea. They will stick to you and that’s not a pleasant feeling. Melanie of Haute Hijab said it best: “You’ll want to avoid layering as much as possible and maxi dresses and skirts are the best way to do that.”
Our Editor, Marwa, also blogged her honeymoon looks, “[One] thing I learned from this trip is NOT to over-pack. I found myself using the same shoes and purse (while I packed about 5 pairs and 2 purses). I always make sure I have enough outfits for each day, but then that thought jumps in my mind of “what if…” I like to be safe than sorry, but we just need to know where to draw the line. Instead of bringing extra outfits – maybe just bring extra articles of clothing (like a shirt or extra pants).”
Don’t forget to refer to our previous post regarding all of the items you and your husband will need. We hope this was helpful and we hope you have a memorable, beautiful honeymoon inshAllah.
My husband, Ahmed, and I have known each other our entire lives. Our parents were always such good friends and our interest for one another sprung from there. We were both born in Marietta, Georgia by the same nurses (and at home…no really), and we’re about 1 year apart. His family then settled in Missouri and my family in California. We got married on July 6, 2012 and had our wedding reception on July 8, 2012 here in California.
Which means we have been married for a whopping 4 years. Meaning: we’re still very new to this wonderful journey of marriage. However, we have learned some of the basics of marriage that I’ll share with you. In this day and age, it is important to establish a true friendship with your spouse. Someone you can laugh with and someone you can share all your pain with. Someone you know will never judge you and will always cheer you on. Someone who knows your strengths and weaknesses, and knows what buttons to never push.
No one can really prepare you for marriage. They may give you great advice, but the fact of the matter is everyone is different, and therefore, every marriage is different as well. So going off of that fact, I’m sharing with you some of things I’ve learned from my own marriage. So here are 4 significant things I’ve learned:
- We are all different. This is really important because when you first get married you’ll start to notice a whole lot of differences. Not bad differences, but just natural human differences. Things such as cleaning habits, eating habits, sleeping habits, etc. We all need to be mindful and respectful of our different habits. They do play a significant role in your marriage. For example, I love to stay up late and have a not-so-normal obsession with coffee ($$). Ahmed on the other hand, is an early bird and his cleaning skills are 100 times better than mine (amazing really).
- We have entirely different personalities. This probably could have gone with number 1, but I think it is important to discuss on it’s own. This can refer to whether you’re outgoing or shy, or how you cope when you’re upset or happy. There is a whole lot to consider when it comes to personalities. The key is to pick up on these cues from your spouse and the bigger key is to be respectful. You’ll start to realize when they need their space, or when they want to talk.
- Appreciation is key. This is huge. When you get married, you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with this person. You are moving out of your parents’ or guardians’ home and all that you’ve ever known, to create a new life with this person. You and your spouse are coming together with your different life experiences and you’re assuming new roles in a new household. It is important to be mindful and appreciate all the things your spouse does whether it’s solely for you or your marriage as a whole. One thing you should also remember is that no role is superior to the other. Don’t ever make your spouse feel that they don’t do enough. However, you should both be aware of balance in the relationship. It’s not all about taking, you have to give just as much.
- Communication is extremely important. As with all relationships, communication is probably the key to a successful one. It is important to discuss with each other your expectations, your dreams, your fears, etc. However, one important thing to add is to be mindful of your tone. Without the right tone, communicating is simply pointless. If you are expecting something from your spouse, you need to communicate it to them in a respectful, calm tone. It is also important to note that if you need to discuss something serious, you and your spouse need to find the right time to sit down and talk. Springing a serious discussion on your spouse will most likely cause an argument.
So there you have it, 4 things about marriage coming to you from a not-so-newlywed newlywed. Remember its all about being mindful and respectful. We are all created different and we have all experienced different things in life. If we’re all mindful of our natural differences, our relationships would be that much stronger, inshAllah. Remember to always be patient, and take the time to show your appreciation for your spouse. Marriage is truly a beautiful journey. May we all marry our best friends and live happily ever after in this life and the next, inshAllah.
P.S. Ahmed and I recently started a YouTube channel to share our journey as a Muslim-American couple. Check out our first video here! Videos coming to PMW’s YouTube channel soon inshAllah.