Although Muslim culture is changing, with conservative cultural norms, important knowledge like sex is sometimes left to hearsay. Yes old wives tales, advice from mothers, relatives, and friends. We covered some important details in our very popular post, 44 Things You Should Know Before The Wedding Night.
All the well-intentioned advice about first-time sex is never really enough to prepare you for what appears like a herculean effort. Yes everyone’s experience will be unique and different, but there are seven tips that can really help you and your spouse to be prepared for your wedding night. We want to help you reduce the anxiety and make it a memorable and pleasurable event. Without further ado, here they are:
- Talk to a married friend of the same gender. We recommend a recently-married friend.The purpose behind it is not to pry into their intimate and private lives, but to seek lessons learnt in terms what worked and what didn’t. Select people who you know are open-minded and willing to share specific and practical details. Ask questions and take notes.
- Expect to be tired, interrupted, emotional, and/or confused. Muslim weddings, due to cultural influences, are known for their many rituals and multi-day events. Trying to meet everyone’s expectations, the long day before, the photo shoots, the separation from your family and home, will leave you exhausted. To have good sex, you need to be relaxed. If there is a way for you to communicate expectations with your soon-to-be spouse, please do so.
- Location, location, location. Yes, it is not only the real estate mantra, but again your first night’s location together really matters. Are you going to be getting together at the venue’s wedding suite, family home, your new home, or heading for the honeymoon right away? There will be pros and cons of each. If it is the family home, there is always the fear that someone is going to interrupt, or they can hear you through the walls of the bedroom or bathroom (yikes). We cover honeymoons in more detail in other posts, but even though it is more private, the stress of heading straight for the honeymoon will only make things more challenging. There is no one simple answer for the best location, just be prepared to have a dialog. One more tip: prepare the room. Have family or friends get it ready to suit the ambiance you would like to create. This can be done with candles, music, chocolates, linen, flowers, towels and other decorations and useful aids.
- Go slow. One of the secrets of great sex is foreplay. It is all the touching, hugging, exploring and kissing each other before intercourse. Men especially are aroused quickly and for women it may take 15-30+ minutes to get aroused. Help slow your spouse down by getting them to breathe, and giving it time and not rushing in. Tantric sex has good lessons for breathing and slowing down. Sex should be a mutually satisfying experience and the more generous you are to each other, the more enjoyable the experience. Be willing to learn and grow for a lifetime of passion.
- Build memories from day one. There will be a lot that goes on during the wedding. Take turns recounting the good things that came your way and thank Allah (SWT), as well as laugh off the things that went miserably wrong. Remember stuff happens, so rather than get uptight about it, use humor as the antidote.
- Share expectations. A key part of life is sharing, setting and meeting expectations. Discuss your hopes and fears about sex. Remember no one can read minds. Fear of pain, fear of not making your spouse satisfied, fear that your spouse may not approve of you are all real fears. Intimacy is built by sharing your vulnerabilities and the more you share with each other the greater the bond. Set the bar for the wedding night low, so all you can do is match or exceed it. Be sure to share expectations about contraception.
- It’s okay to ask for a rain check. You have both waited a long time for this, but if you are not ready for whatever reason, period, ate late dinner, didn’t get any dinner, just plain exhausted, and/or too upset, these and others are great reasons to ask for a rain check.
Sex is a divine gift of God to married couples. There is a lot of learning involved and your first union God-willing will be one of many to come. They say “practice makes perfect” and that applies equally to sex, along with being gentle, generous, patient, and creative. We want you to be excited and enthusiastic about your first night. Never use sex as a barrier to control or manipulate your relationship. Sex, when it goes well, is an out-of-this-world experience. May you have a blessed first night and a fulfilling sensual marriage.