33 Steps to Love and Romance in Islam (Part 1)

These notes are based on a workshop by Shaikh Abdul-Rahman Murphy. May Allah (swt) continue to bless our marriages with love and romance. Ameen.

Perfect Muslim Wedding and Amna Hakim Photography 30

  1. Study the 5 languages of love. One, Words of Affirmation, e.g. I appreciate you, you mean the world to me. Two, Acts of Service. Doing things that don’t have a monetary value, e.g. folding clothes. Three, Giving and Receiving Gifts is a sign of love. Four, Giving Undivided Attention (put away the smartphone). Five, Get Close. Put your arms around their shoulder or hold hands. When you are angry it builds distance. Remember someone else’s love language may be different than yours.
  2. Love comes after marriage. There is no magic pill. It takes a lot of work.
  3. For your wedding the best investment you can make is pre-marital counseling.
  4. Allah (God) is not “love” as in western tradition, but the most loving and deserved of our love.
  5. People are very idealistic about love and marriage. Realize there will be difficulties.
  6. In marriage, a woman needs the permission of her guardian (wali), a man does not need permission of his parents. However, from a good decision making standpoint it is smart to involve the parents.
  7. In our present time, elders are considered worthless. Wisdom is not valued as the youth think they can get all their answers online e.g. through Google. We need to respect and value our elders.
  8. Avoid problems by considering spouse’s point of view (POV). Think of a piece of paper with writing on it. You only see one side. So don’t make conclusive statements. In an argument rather than focus on “why I’m right.” think “why I could be wrong.”
  9. When the Prophet (SAW) was at home, he focused on the family. When the call came to prayer even though the masjid was next door, he would kiss his wife before leaving.
  10. Prophet (SAW) swept and cleaned at home. Your wife is not created to clean up after you. Likewise, husband not created just to pay for everything.
  11. Think of yourself not as 2 individuals, or roommates, but as a team.
  12. You’re going to have inconsistencies and deficiencies.
  13. When problems face us, getting over denial is the first challenge.
  14. There are three major problems we face:
    1. Our houses are not homes
    2. Limited scope of worship
    3. Attitude adjustment
  15. What make a house a home? Home is a building. It should give sakina (serenity and peace of mind). So create positive experiences and memories.
  16.  We have narrowed definition of worship (ibadat) to e.g. prayer or fasting. What about massaging wife’s feet?
  17. Ibn Taymiah said “Worship is what pleases Allah and staying away from whatever displeases Him.”
  18. We live in a world of nafsy. All about me. We need an attitude adjustment. One of the great qualities of the Prophet (SAW) was that he had the greatest empathy for everyone around him.
  19. In life, remind yourself about the phrase from the London subway (tube) “Mind the Gap.” If we become aware of gaps, e.g. cultural, generational, etc., and actively acknowledge them, it goes a long way.
  20. Constructive communication. Practice “Tell me what I said, I’ll tell you what you said.”


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