It will be, God-willing, your first time. All these dreams and built-up anticipation. The exhilaration, the exhaustion. Rather than thinking about this as your Olympic final to get the gold we want to share you with you some practical tips that will help you and your new bride start a new and intimate journey together.
To use a simple analogy, when you learn to ride a bike you don’t just get on it and with perfect balance, power and speed start cruising down the roughest terrain. Set the expectation bar low, just as you didn’t master riding a bicycle or driving a car in one instance, mastering sex also takes practice.
If things don’t go well, it’s not a reflection of your manhood. Sex is an emotional and physical act and there are a lot of things that will come together over a lifetime of marriage that will help you perfect it. Remember, when it comes to sexual arousal, your bride needs time, not pressure. Men can get an erection and go from 0 to 60 in a few seconds and reach orgasm in a couple of minutes. For women it can take 15-25+ minutes, so allow her time and make it a mutually enjoyable experience.
We cover some of the common advice in the post “44 Things You Should Know Before The Wedding Night.” Here are some other important things to think about:
1. Take care of grooming and hygiene. Shower, shave, and be clean for your bride. , Take care of your beard, and nose hairs.Body hygiene and grooming also includes shaving armpits and groin at least once a month if not more frequently. Clip your fingernails and file them so there are no sharp edges. Brush, floss, use mouthwash and a nice cologne. Avoid spraying antiperspirants, etc. as when you kiss each other it leaves a bad after-taste.
2. Get nice boxers (no silk) dark solid colors work best, red or black. As for pajamas, cotton is best.
3. Use the bathroom to empty your bladder. Once you get an erection, you don’t want to have the urge to go to the bathroom.
4. For the first night, it may be easier to undress separately in the bathroom, rather than in front of each other. Women are by nature very shy, and this being her first time and night, help give her confidence by dimming the lights, or turning them off completely. Try a nightlight or lighting candles.
5. Give your wife a massage using either massage oil or e.g. olive oil. It’s a great way to relax the body. You can learn basic techniques by getting a book from your library or examples on YouTube.
6. Feed each other. Put a bowl of fruit, chocolate or other delicious snacks by the bed to nibble on.
7. Say kind and positive reinforcing words to give your wife confidence.
8. Use a nice cologne, but use it lightly as you don’t want it to get in the way of taste when you kiss each other.
9. You can discuss and chose the position man on top (missionary) or woman on top whatever suits the two of you.
10. Focus on foreplay and delay intercourse and ejaculation giving time for her body to relax, lubricate, warm up and enjoy the pleasure.
11. When you feel you are both ready and the suspense is too much, put on a condom. Avoid Vaseline and other petroleum or oil based products with latex based condoms. Condoms are usually already lubricated.
12. You should invoke Allah (SWT) before intercourse by saying “Bismillahi Allahumma jannibna-sh-shaytana wa jannibi-sh-shaytana ma razaktana.” Insert the Penis into the vagina. There is some navigation involved and your wife can help guide you, to let you know when you are “in”. There are three adjacent cavities that a woman has. The first one down working your way down from the belly button is the Urethra, skip that, then the Vagina, that’s what you want and the last is the Anus, which you want to avoid at all costs. Here is a diagram that hopefully illustrates it.
13. If there is bleeding, don’t panic. Let your wife lie on her back, and bringing her knees together and or lifting them, hopefully the bleeding will stop. If not, seek medical attention.
14. By setting low expectations, you will not define your performance or pleasure by orgasm, or what others are going to think of you. Remember this is your private intimate moment and other than seeking help from a professional, you should keep whatever happens as both of your secret not to be shared with family or friends.
15. It can get messy, do keep Tissues/Kleenex near the bed. Also keep small plastic bags (eg ziploc bag) to dispose of the condom in the trash. Do NOT flush condoms down the toilet, they can block them and cause more problems and embarrassment.
16. After sex, you can immediately take a shower or it might be easier for each of you to once again relieve yourself, make wudu, and bathe later.
17. Sex, like marriage or child bearing, has a lot of trial and error. Be patient, and slowly you will learn to tune in to each others bodies and get in-sync. If things don’t go well on the first pass, say you can’t get an erection or you came too soon, wait a few hours or a day and iteratively work on trying to make small changes. Sex isn’t just about penetration and performance.
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